Tuesday, January 03, 2006

My Emotional Doppleganger

I thought it would take take a long while to find an image to capture how I feel as I sit down to write a long overdue line to my kind readers. To my surprise I came up with this one in short order. I find the wee thing does such a good job of expressing my mood that I wonder if I should have an artist do a rendering of him, he could stand in for me at social events.(Are Gargoyles gendered?)

Go figure that aside from the (see photo) way I feel right now, I also know
that I have blessings beyond counting and there is NO excuse for feeling like (see photo.) Bleak midwinter, anti-climax of a holiday I don't actually "celebrate," 44 being days away? a three day migraine (only a 4-7 on scale of 1-10,) having a houseguest? nothing feels right, not comfort food (my rendition of my mother's spaghetti with meat sauce), not retail therapy , not hot showers or good coffee. (Ok. I admit I have found about 20 seconds of bliss....twice this week I've ordered the smallest Starbucks hot cocoa with extra whipped and red sugar sprinkles....one has to immediately remove lid and sip shallowly so as to redeem the cream before it dissolves, whilst not getting burned lips, but for what it is worth, if one has been out shopping in cold rainy weather, it's a mo of ahhhh.)

It is good, I suppose to have things not satisfy one. I have found that I pray more, or at least desire to pray more of late. Then again as I write this I think, how horrible that one has to be at out of pleasures before the soul's best longings kick in. Perhaps I have it backwards, perhaps the things are not satisfying because my soul is more keen and will "accept no substitutes?" I've long noticed that the best sign in my life for an improved spiritual apprehension, is to be desiring the sweet fellowship of prayer. I hope this is no exception.

This is the first time in my life I've had very little desire to write, I've loved writing and felt the words fighting to see the light of day for as long as I can remember, right now, I'm with the gargoyle. For the dear few who check this space, I shall try to do better, whatever that means. Thanks for staying with.


a son's mom said...

Oops I posted on your previous post.
One glass of White Zin and I'm all mixed up.

girlfriday said...

I don't really know how "it" works either except that the things I keep are the things that dissatisfy and the things I surrender, God returns and they work again.

(Love how you incorporate pictures into all your posts.)

JoTigger said...

When I saw that photo, I thought: Oh, that's me in December last year. I kept telling myself: You'll be fine once 2006 arrives!
I know that God is with me even in times of diffulties. I don't know why we have to endure them, but anyway, hope that you will be better soooooon.